Toilet gas dullness

Bracknell Forest Standard: Man in toilet cleaning mishap
 
This probably isn't dull at all. Also, not funny either*
 
*Yes. It is very funny

Two-for-the-price-of-one dullness

Hemel Today: Man stuck in toilet
 
Also, people stuck in lift. Two-for-one dullness!

Christmas babies dullness

Hemel Today: No babies born in local hospital on Christmas Day

Thank Jesus for that

Spotter's Badge: Pete

Huge explosion dullness... OR IS IT?

Grimsby Telegraph: Huge explosion heard in Grimsby area "nothing to worry about" say Police

Bu they would say that, wouldn't they?

Delivery company delivers stuff dullness

Driffield Today: Delivery company delivers stuff, issues press release

Didn't win a million quid dullness

Bromley Times: Man loses game of chance

A telling parable of life's inevitable cruelty

Flooded road dullness

Norwich Evening News: Fire crews remove water from road

"No cars were trapped during the incident"

Spotter's Badge: Dave

By Royal Command Dullness

Eastern Daily Press: Queen takes a train

Good Lord - in THAT coat?

Spotter's Badge: Dave

Blockbuster price rise dullness

Crawley News: Local branch of Blockbusters raises prices on some items

MY GOD

Spotter's Badge: Skuds

Fox visits shop dullness

Brighton Argus: Fox visits shop

Spotter's Badge: Adam

Paramedics start a blog dullness

Hemel Today: Paramedics start a blog

"Found a dead body LOL"

Farming dullness

Spalding Guardian: Latest news from the vital celeriac harvest
 
Isn't is amazing how farmers end up looking like their crops?

Started off quite interesting, but ended up predictably dull dullness

Hunts Post: Film maker to have programme aired on TV

...which is very exciting until you get to paragraph three, when it's revealed that it'll be going out on The Community Channel. Who'd probably show a film of me riding my washing basket down the stairs if I sent it in.

Oh, and it's going out at 7pm on Saturday night, up against Strictly Come Dancing.

 

Spotter's Badge: James

Chicken does a very small egg dullness

Reading Post: Man finds very small egg

John Lennon's tooth UK tour dullness

Chorley Citizen: John Lennon's tooth visits Chorley

Elmbridge Today: John Lennon's tooth visits Weybridge

The Glaswegian: John Lennon's tooth visits Glasgow

Gloucestershire Echo: John Lennon's tooth visits Bishops' Cleeve

Support act: Yoko Ono's pube clippings 

Stolen gnome dullness

York Press: Whistling ornamental gnome stolen from front garden

Sounds like somebody was doing the world a favour

Spotter's Badge: John

Crane being used to build something dullness

Watford Observer: Crane spotted at film studios not being used for anything exciting

Spotter's Badge: TRT, Pete

Duck rescue dullness

Manchester Evening News: Ducks rescued

Happy ending: They went down well with an orange sauce

Spotter's Badge: Charlotte

Clock tells the time dullness

Halifax Courier: Clock says 12:12 at 12:12 on 12/12/12

Congratulations, you win a picture of a clock

Spotter's Badge: Paul

New cafe dullness

Yate and Sodbury News: 99p cafe opens in Yate

There'll be dancing on the streets of Sodbury

Spotter's Badge: Mike

Car accident dullness

Eastern Daily Press: Accident on A47 causes no problems
 
Good. GOOD.
 
Spotter's Badge: Lyle

Wall collapse dullness

Hereford Times: Very small wall collapses

This one looks serious - BE CAREFUL OUT THERE

Spotter's Badge: James

Making knitted baby Jesus cry dullness

Yorkshire Evening Post: Search on for stolen knitted Jesus
 
Spotter's Badge: TV's Al Murray, Carl

Closed schools dullness

Norwich Evening News: School closed due to lack of staff

Norwich Evening News: School closed due to turds

Spotter's Badge: Dave

Squirrel on the loose celebrity dullness

Wokingham Times: Squirrel gets into shop
 
Glad to hear that shop manager Sharon Stone cracked out some nuts and appealed to the animal's - oh-ho! - Basic Instinct

Dull local council dullness

Hemel Today: Council leader has moment of clarity and realises he's wasted ten years of his life
 
Not a dull story per se, but a story about one man's struggle against dullness
 
(And if there are any Monster Raving Loony Members in the area, now is as good as time as any to apply for the vacant seat)

Pubic typo dullness

Bracknell Forest Standard: Chaos in council chamber over spelling mistake

Roundabout dullness

Hemel Today: Roundabout spruced up
 
Good. Good for them.

Hyhyhy dullness

Hartlepool Mail: hyhyhy

Hartlepool Mail: hyhyhy

And for fans of brevity:

Hartlepool Mail: hyhy


hyhyhyhy!!!!

Church drop-in centre dullness

Reading Post: Church Drop-in Centre holds meeting
 
This is important news if you are a member of the Churches in Reading Drop-In Centre. If you are not, then you have NO IDEA WHERE IT IS

Stuck ring dullness

Bracknell Forest Standard: Ring gets stuck
 
In summary: Ring is no longer stuck

Unknown actress buys a carpet dullness

 South Wales Evening Post: Panto star buys carpet for her birthday

That's Viv Date Carpets, for all your carpet and flooring needs in South Wales.

Spotter's Badge: Gwyddno

DULL NEWS GOLD: Boots chemist dullness

Mid Sussex Times: Boots customers slightly inconvenienced by late opening
 
An oldie from earlier this year, and one of the reasons I started this site in the first place
 
(I looked on Google Streetview at the time and found at least three chemist shops within walking distance)
 
Spotter's Badge: Ben

Slight road delays dullness

Shropshire Star: Road partially blocked for thirty minutes as car's clutch catches fire

Don't know how much traffic that equates to in Shropshire, but I would assume that a couple of tractors got held up

Spotter's Badge: Dwayne

Tree falls over dullness

Wokingham Times: Road delays 'for a matter of minutes' as very small tree falls over
 
If a tree falls over in Wokingham, but nobody's there to see it... Has it really happened?

Royal pregnancy dullness

Hartlepool Mail: Woman who got married recently 'pleased for William and Kate'

Good. Good. As long as Hollie from Hartlepool's happy...

Stephen Fry's stolen football scarf follow-up dullness

Peterborough Telegraph: Stephen Fry's Norwich City scarf that was stolen from a charity shop in Peterborough, but was later returned to a charity shop in Peterborough has NOW LEFT PETERBOROUGH

We will never speak of this again.

First seen HERE.

Cow sponsorship dullness

 Rutland and Stamford Mercury: Win year’s sponsorship of cow in naming competition 
 
"The winner will receive a welcome pack, cow key-ring, sponsorship certificate and regular updates on their calf."
 
...ending in the inevitable "We killed it and ate it"

Messy yellow line dullness

Rutland and Stamford Mercury: Council vows to repaint messy yellow lines

THE HORROR!

Driving Test dullness

Eastbourne Herald: Man passes driving test
 
That's nothing. I passed mine YEARS ago, and I understand several people have achieved this feat since.

Dog Poo Bag Dullness

Hemel Today: Village council buys pack of dog poo bags
 
£37.50! Are they mad?

One born every minute dullness

Cambridge News: Two men get computer virus

Honestly, the internet went right downhill the minute they stopped the entrance exam

Spotter's Badge: James

Trapped in a lift dullness

This is Somerset: Firefighters use 'small tools' to relase pair trapped in lift
 
As I've always said. It's not the size..

Meanwhile...

Hunts Post: Lifts to be fixed next year

Is that morning or afternoon?

Spotter's Badge: James

Pound shop theft dullness

Lancashire Evening Post: Thief steals item worth £1 from pound store (last paragraph)

Remember: Serious crimes like this are rare. If you have been affected by this story, call your mum and she'll tell you to pull yourself together.

Don't have nightmares.

Spotter's Badge: Comedy's Al Murray

Solar-powered robotic boat weirdness

Maidenhead Advertiser: Man's bid to sail solar-powered robotic boat to the Bahamas misses by 4,300 miles

And yes, that's the actual boat.

Stolen celebrity scarf dullness

Peterborough Telegraph: Stephen Fry's football scarf stolen
 
Happy ending: They found the thief, who went down all guns blazing
 
Spotter's Badge: Stephen Fry

Woman trapped in toilet dullness

This is Somerset: Woman trapped in toilet

"Released... using small tools"

Heh. Small tools.

Found cat dullness

Bracknell Forest Standard: Stray cat found

Good news! I gave it to my dog

Apostrophe catastrophe dullness

Driffield Today: Shop celebrates 15 years of trading

I'm calling you out, Driffield Today. Your site is a car-crash of apostrophe abuse, and the first sentence of this item is a shocker. Sort it out.

I take no joy from this. Even if local journalism is struggling, there is no excuse for low standards.

Earlier train dullness

 Henley Standard: Last train to Henley now 18 minutes earlier

Good Lord, how will they cope?

Tenants Association party dullness

Morley Observer: FREE BUFFET

I repeat: FREE BUFFET

Spotter's Badge: Paul

Stuck ring dullness

Norwich Evening News: Woman gets ring stuck on finger

Spotter's Badge: Dave

Minor road delays dullness

Norwich Evening News: Lorry loses wheel

Spotter's Badge: Dave

Large puddle just outside the Basingstoke Gazette editorial offices dullness

Basingstoke Gazette: Large puddle outside Basingstoke Gazette offices

Followed up with the stunning...

 
Basingstoke Gazette: Large puddle still outside Basingstoke Gazette offices

Send food, money to these poor devils. 

Update! I am told that the editor was on the Anne Diamond show on BBC Berkshire this morning, talking about the Great Puddle of Basingstoke. Mind. Boggles.

Wallet not stolen dullness

Norwich Evening News: Wallet not stolen in non-existent burglary

Spotter's Badge: Dave

Oil spillage dullness

Rugby Advertiser: Police, council clear up oil from street

Spotter's Badge: Rob

Wall planning dullness

Newbury Today: Walls made slightly lower

All kicking off in Newbury, as usual

Spotter's Badge: Andrew

Apostrophe dullness

This is South Wales: Actual headline - '

And the apostrophe was the highlight, I can tell you for nothing.

Spotter's Badge: Paul