Swans in supermarkets will never be news dullness

Bromley News Shopper: Swans spotted outside supermarket

Nope, still not news.

Spotter's Badge: Neil

Bin bag dullness

Clacton and Frinton Gazette: Locals might have to buy their own bin bags

Wait... a seaside town that still leaves its rubbish out in bags? I bet bin day is AMAZING* there.

*By which I mean seagull armageddon

Rebranding dullness

Bournemouth Echo: Martin & Co renamed Martinco

...except for its public-facing businesses which will remain Martin & Co. Alles klar?

Mattress dullness

The Cornishman: Local disgust at dumped mattress

Mattresses are living, breathing creatures too, YOU RACISTS

Car crash dullness

Bexley News Shopper: Police called to crash in Bexley

"We were called to a crash involving two cars in Bexley at 7.30am. No one was reported injured"

Spotter's Badge: Neil

Discount store dullness

Lincolnshire Echo: Lincolnshire gets its first Poundworld

To be honest, I don't know how the locals are going to cope with prices rising so steeply.

Front garden theft dullness

Salisbury Journal: Six radiators stolen

I expect the criminals will soon be feeling - oh-ho! - THE HEAT!

Legal firm dullness

Driffield Today: Legal firm named best in the Hull and East Yorkshire area

Hull AND East Yorkshire.

Meanwhile...

Northampton Chronicle: Northamptonshire firm is fourth in a national league table that ranks mid-market growth companies with the biggest sales

"I don't understand a word of this one", our spotter says.

Spotter's Badge: Mike

Clock tower dullness

Brighton Argus: City clock tower running 11 minutes late

Marty McFly's due through any day now - leave it to him

Peter Andre dullness - The Embiggening

Greenwich News Shopper: Peter Andre visits a boat

Shropshire Star: Peter Andre to turn on Telford's Christmas lights

Reading Post: Peter Andre to visit a record shop

Here's what we do when he turns up in Telford or Reading: Everybody hide, and make him think he's arrived in a ghost town. Then we all shamble out of our hiding places done up as zombies and he either runs away, or we have the best ever Thriller dance-off. I am not mad. 

And, for the sake of balance:

Bexley News Shopper: Katie Price visits a night club

#TEAMKATIE TILL I DIE

Spotter's Badge: Neil

Ronnie Pickering dullness

Coventry Telegraph: Last month's internet meme now reduced to shouting his name out in nightclubs for money

Next step: W@nking for coins

Very small hole dullness

Oxford Mail: Small hole opens in the road

"It started out the size of a 50p piece but it’s now a big problem since we have many children and elderly people living around here"

THINK OF THE KIDDIEWINKS

Spotter's Badge: Richard

Young apprentice dullness

Northampton Chronicle: Young lady is very pleasant to work with

Seems a reasonable item, until you try to read it.

Spotter's Badge: Mike

Basingstoke dullness

Basingstoke Gazette: Your big chance to vote for the worst roundabout in Basingstoke

There is - alas - no 'Nuke the site from orbit, it's the only way to be sure' option.

(I voted for Winchester Road, it's a total shit-up)

Photocopier dullness

Bolton News: Franking Sense has been awarded awarded gold service partner status with Ricoh,over its support levels, technical escalation, development and account management, to streamline and improve the services offered to customers

Just pointing out that Franking Sense was the name of the doctor, and not the name of the monster.

Spotter's Badge: Tim

Not actually Robbie Williams dullness

The Wokingham Paper: Robbie Williams tribute act comes to Wokingham

Twenty-five quid PLUS HOT BUFFET!

What-the-what I have no idea dullness

Cambridge News: Exploring the politics of flamenco, with ethnomusicologist Matthew Machin-Autenrieth

Nope.

Spotter's Badge: Michael

Dullness of a horticultural variety

York Press: Five-leaf clover found

You get one of these by splicing together a two-leaf clover and a three-leaf clover.

Spotter's Badge: Jonathan, Joe

Ring stuck on finger dullness

Bournemouth Echo: Fire brigade called to get ring off woman's finger

A spokesperson for Dorset and Wiltshire Fire Control said she sought the help of firefighters, who used "small tools" to release the ring from her finger.

In other news, I have a Google News search for "small tools" and it's not even sexy slang.

Flag collection dullness

Watford Observer: Couple's flag collection in museum

I've got a priceless collection of Arsenal shirts. Any takers?

Spotter's Badge: TRT

Justin Bieber dullness

Iceland Monitor: The Bieb visits Iceland

Huh. I remember when it was called Bejam.

Extremely dull local angle celebrity dullness

Dartford News Shopper: Somebody mentions the Dartford Tunnel on Celebrity Big Brother

"He later added that he was joking"

THE DARTFORD TUNNEL IS NO LAUGHING MATTER

Spotter's Badge: Neil

EastEnders dullness

Rugby Advertiser: Actor to visit nightclub

And there's nothing more dull than an actor's PA in a nightclub

Spotter's Badge: Rob R

Posh Spice Dullness

Stroud Life: Brave Victoria Beckham tries going into one of these "shops" she's heard about

Well done Victoria! Try Lidl next.

No sea view dullness

Bournemouth Echo: Growing trees hide sea view

Damn nature. Burn it all.

Even more Peter Andre dullness

Chichester Observer: Peter Andre training for Strictly Come Dancing in Sussex

I say we nuke the place from orbit, it's the only way to be sure.

Walking club dullness

Leamington Courier: Leamington Rambling Club celebrates 50 years

...probably with the original members.

Spotter's Badge: Rob R

No pizza dullness

Maidenhead Advertiser: Domino's Pizza not coming to Cookham

Other chains not coming to Cookham: Harrod's, Selfridge's, Spearmint Rhino.

Spotter's Badge: Rob A

There is no end to Overton dullness

Basingstoke Gazette: Tree to be planted

Hooray!

Grand unveiling dullness

Kenilworth News: Town's historic pound unveiled

A pound? Looks like 50p's worth, tops.

Empty phone box near Basingstoke dullness

Basingstoke Gazette: Overton Parish Council have no idea what to do with empty phone box

IDEA: Fill it with rabid bats, and film people who are not in on the joke getting attacked by the rabid bats when they go to use the phone, send the results in to You've Been Framed. Hey Presto - £250!

Shoplifting dullness

Bournemouth Echo: Police seek woman who stole duck from charity shop

Stealing ducks from charity shops is just a gateway drug. Before you know it, she's starting a gloabl banking crisis and then we'll all be sorry.