Land train dullness

Mearns Leader: Town to get land train

This one's heavily pixellated because of all the bad things it's done

Spotter's Badge: DJ

Sandals fall to pieces after fifteen years dullness

Henley Standard: Woman's sandals finally give up on trip to the pub

Dark days for the people of Henley-on-Thames

Hedge that looks like a face dullness

Brighton Argus: Hedge looks like a face

Our neighbours have a hedge that looks like Mario Balotelli. And do I keep banging on about it?

Actually, yes I do.

No Beyonce dullness

Essex Echo: Beyonce not at Southend Airport

Neither is she under my sofa

Spotter's Badge: Jack

Loud music dullness

Watford Observer: Police investigate loud music

...but do nothing

Spotter's Badge: TRT

Health and Safety Press Release Disguised as News

Knutsford Guardian: Company's award win described in glowing terms through the medium of a press release

Spotter's Badge: Chris

Mouse statue dullness

Cambridge News: I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THIS STORY IS ABOUT

...except for the fact that it is supremely dull

Spotter's Badge: James

Nearby celebrity dullness

Windsor Observer: Reality TV person to come near town

But it's for charity, so that's OK

Spotter's Badge: Rob

Car breaks down dullness

Bromley News Shopper: Car breaks down

...people take photos, don't help

Spotter's Badge: Neil

Council appointment dullness

Henley Standard: New chairman for town council's traffic and advisory committee

The Henley Standard: The paper that keeps on giving. Never change, chaps

Booze sales dullness

Ilford Recorder: Shop applies for booze licence

Goog. Good for them

Spotter's Badge: Ed

Stuck child dullness

Reading Post: Kid gets head stuck in chair

Bad news for "Chairhead" Smith - he's still there

Supermarket dullness

Watford Observer: Supermarket sells supermarket stuff

Spotter's Badge: TRT

Local angle to national not-news story dullness

Henley Standard: Local man grows beard

Health and Safety dullness

Hull Daily Mail: Health and safety vending machine

For everybody's sake, I hope it has been fully risk assessed

Bar stool dullness

Dorking and Leatherhead Advertiser: Bar stool found in street

Good. Free furniture.

Chair dullness

Westmorland Gazette: Chair destroyed

A dull news classic from several years ago, but well worth repeating

Celebrity visit dullness

Hemel Today: Somebody out of TOWIE to visit a shop

Don't know when, BUT SHE'S COMING

Stolen tractor dullness

Dorset Echo: Tractor stolen in West Doirset

Possibly the most Dorset news headline of all time

Bus door dullness

Oxford Mail: Bus doors fail to close

Lighting a candle for the poor people of Oxford

Dull weather dullness

Plymouth Herald: Cloud spotted over city

FLEE! FLEE FOR YOUR LIVES!

Spotter's Badge: Rob

No Subway dullness

Bracknell Forest Standard: Bracknell too dull for Subway

I spent three years of my life in Bracknell. Three. Years.

Patient cat dullness

Diss Express: Cat likes fish

Spotter's Badge: Jiva

Dog amok dullness

Jersey Evening Post: Fugitive sausage dog

THESE ARE END DAYS, PEOPLE

Spotter's Badge: Bryony

Cat show dullness

Upper Hutt Leader: Cat show in New Zealand

And the deal-breaker: "Judges included two people from Australia"

Spotter's Badge: Dave

Estate agent press release disguised as news

Henley Standard: Estate agent home viewings on the up, says estate agent

Are they REALLY?

Celebrity dullness

Get Surrey: With all Surrey's problems solved, Shane Ritchie complains to council about shop display in Reigate

Spotter's Badge: Christina

Ant sex dullness

Bromley News Shopper: Ants spotted doing THE SEX near this pub

Won't anybody think of the children?

Spotter's Badge: Christina

Bin theft dullness

Henley Standard: Bin stolen

If you're stealing bins in the Berks/Oxon border area: STOP

Fish and chips celebrity dullness

Rugby Advertiser: Sean Paul goes down the chippy

REGGAE JOKE: The lady who does the chips didn't show up. No woman, no fry

Spotter's Badge: Rob

Woman gets stuck in dog poo weirdness

Dundee Evening Telegraph: Woman gets arm stuck in dog poo bin

We've all been there.

Man runs off dullness

Bradford Telegraph and Argus: Man runs off

That's the whole headline

Spotter's Badge: Ross

Thomas the Tank Engine dullness

Wolverhampton Express and Star: Child gets stuck in Thomas ride outside Primark in Dudley

I'm told, by a gentleman with local knowledge, this is "Normal for Brierly Hill"