HAPPY NEW YEAR

Plymouth Herald: Drunk student falls asleep in urinal

For the love of God, if you're going to get plastered tonight, keep it harmless.

Bin vandalism question to which the answer is no

Bromley News Shopper: Is this Bromley bin offensive?

No.

Spotter's Badge: Neil

Wedding bells dullness

NZ Herald: Man forced to ride a bike to a wedding due to traffic jam

And courtesy of our spotter, here's the route he had to take. Yeah, he could have walked and been there in twenty minutes.

Spotter's Badge: Conan

Baby scan dullness

Manchester Evening News: Parents have a baby scan

Well done. Congratulations on your weird-shaped baby.

Spotter's Badge: Kate

Crime of the year dullness

Cambridge News: Tesco shocked - SHOCKED - to find that if you leave tills unstaffed, people will leg it without paying

Spotter's Badge: Kate

Wrong kind of footprints dullness

Henley Standard: Footprints to be replaced

ART, everybody. ART.

Holidays are STILL coming dullness

South Wales Evening Post: Man builds replica Coca-Cola truck

It's - oh-ho! - not exactly THE REAL THING!!!!!1111

Spotter's Badge: Paul

Rubbish parking dullness

Wiltshire Times: Coordinated idiocy blocks entire town centre

Happy Christmas! Unless you're one of these bell-ends.

Spotter's Badge: Hayley

Broken clock dullness

Bromley News Shopper: Clock fixed

Well done.

Spotter's Badge: Neil

Bowls dullness - a 1,000th post dull news spectacular

Leamington Courier: New president for Warwickshire Bowling Association (Ladies Section)

The picture's a bit pixellated, I think it's the fine filly on the right.

Spotter's Badge: Rob

Not-quite-dead parrot weirdness

Aberdeen Evening Express: Woman calls Scottish SPCA to rescue injured parrot in road, only to find out later that it was a woolly hat

We've all done it, haven't we?

Swan dullness

Ely Standard: Swan lands in tiny, tiny pond

A whole thirteen action shots of this incident. Thirteen!

Spotter's Badge: Kate

Rubber chicken cannibal weirdness

Western Morning News: Rubber chicken wielding lunatic threatens to eat woman alive

Sounds like every day in Somerset, if you ask me.

Spotter's Badge: Jill

Wetwang dullness

Driffield Times and Post: Gluten-free chips in Wetwang

Hooray!

Dull story saved by the headline of the decade

Central Somerset Gazette: Village people upset at YMCA plans

No further comment needed.

Spotter's Badge: Emily

Old chair question to which the answer is no

 Dorset Echo: Did Napoleon once sit on this chair?

No.

Holidays are still coming dullness

Bournemouth Echo: Truck parks near the concrete hell of Poole Bus Station

I feel Christmassy already*

*No. No I don't.

Wheelie good business press release disguised as news

Leamington Courier: Company is doing quite well

Well done. Jolly well done.

Spotter's Badge: Rob

Lonely old lady dullness

Cambridge News: Lonely old lady says she isn't lonely at all

Now, bugger off.

Spotter's Badge: Tim

Old library dullness

East Anglia Daily Times: Building that is no longer a library is quite old

Happy birthday, old library!

Spotter's Badge: Kate

Holidays are coming dullness

Northampton Chronicle: Lorry to park in town centre

And like the FA Cup, I dare say there are dozens of them doing the rounds at any given moment.

Spotter's Badge: Mike

Celebrity cup of tea dullness

Dorset Echo: Popular singers have a cup of tea

Which was nice.

Crap Christmas Tree Round-Up

Wigan Today: Crap Christmas tree

Liverpool Echo: Crap Christmas tree

Manchester Evening News: Crap Christmas tree

Stamford Mercury: Crap Christmas tree

Stoke Sentinel: Crap Christmas tree

Northern Echo: Crap Christmas tree

Spotter's Badge: Len

Cow dullness

Dorset Echo: Eight cows on the road in Abbotsbury

Have you lost a specific number of cows near a large memorial to a sailor in Dorset? They are probably your cows.

Spotter's Badge: James

Toilet sign dullness

Basingstoke Gazette: Council spunks eight quid on new toilet signs

I hope they went through the proper acquisition and tendering processes before they committed to this extravagance.

Flying Spaghetti Monster weirdness

Aldershot News and Mail: Man wears colander around town

Normal for Aldershot, to be brutally honest.

Legal advice dullness

Basingstoke Gazette: How to avoid legal disputes over using your business rivals' trademarks in online advertising

Keywords: Advertising, Google, Adwords, Copyright, Intellectual Property, Legal Advice, Lamb Brooks, Waste of two minutes of my life reading this

Mystical superpower question to which the answer is NO

Hull Daily Mail: Do I have a dreadful power that kills celebrities?

No.

Spotter's Badge: L0wey

Squirrel dullness

Watford Observer: Squirrel runs amok at school

Top copy writing here:

Headteacher at the Southsea Avenue school, Mrs Bal-Richards, said they were monitoring the situation and the caretaker is being extra vigilant...

She said: "We will be monitoring the situation and the caretaker is being extra vigilant"

Spotter's Badge: TRT, Mike

Saving money but not particularly sexy dullness

Manchester Evening News: Good Lord

No really. Good Lord.

Spotter's Badge: Charlotte

Bagel press release disguised as news

NJ.com: Bagel shop opens

Click through to see the frankly massive picture gallery. Or not.

Spotter's Badge: Terry

X Factor dullness

Basingstoke Gazette: Union J to appear in Basingstoke

... in a supermarket

... before appearing in Reading

... in a supermarket.

That's pretty much as low as you can go.

Penguin question to which the answer is NO

Falmouth Packet: Has a penguin been seen on a Cornish beach?

No.

Painting dullness

Watford Observer: Man paints old barn from memory

He was a pigeon in a previous life.

Spotter's Badge: TRT

TOWIE perfume dullness

Northampton Chronicle: Somebody out of TOWIE to launch perfume in Corby branch of Tesco

That's the big time, right there.

 Reading Post: Meanwhile, in Reading

Keep milking it son, it's panto next year,

Spotter's Badge: Mike

Spaceman weirdness

St Albans Review: Astronaut spotted at St Albans railway station

It's a sad, sad story: Major Tom's been forced onto public transport since being outed as a junkie by David Bowie.

Spoon dullness

Lancashire Telegraph: 'Mystery' as school loses 65 spoons

Barely worthy of a note home to parents, let alone a splash in the local paper. Unless - of course - there is some sort of Breaking Bad evil to which I am not acquainted.

Spotter's Badge: Karen

Johnny Depp dullness

Eastern Daily Press: Actor visits Norwich, buys bath

It's just method acting. He's about to make a film about a man who buys bathroom fittings in regional towns, as it happens.

Dawn French dullness

North Devon Journal: Dawn French's tour bus gets a parking ticket

Spotter's Badge: TV's Al Murray

Street light anger

Wokingham Times: Street light catches fire

Observant blog author notes that the stock photo is actually outside his old dentist surgery in Reading.

Maplins dullness

Watford Observer: Shop re-opens

Good of Mel Brooks to cut the ribbon

Spotter's Badge: TRT

Bollards dullness

Henley Standard: New bollards

And if that wasn't enough excitement:

Henley Standard: New bus shelters

Two! Two of them!

Traffic lights dullness

East Anglia Daily Times: Lights fail on the A134 near Thetford

I've seen no report saying they've been fixed, so one can only assume that the poor people held up are still there.

Spotter's Badge: Kate

Pound shop dullness

North Devon Journal: Poundland opens in Barnstaple

While ours closes. It's like whack-a-mole.

Local planning dullness

Worcester News: Council says no to bungalow

And quite right too. Bungalows are a scourge on our society.

No... wait... that's crack dens.

Pound shop theft dullness

Sunderland Echo: STOP THIS MONSTER

Wears hi-viz tabard, suffer pixelitis.

Spotter's Badge: Andy

Dowsing dullness

Falmouth Packet: Idiots needed to take up dowsing

Count me out, as I'm not an idiot.

"... a tool for harmonising your home and enhancing your well-being"

Neither am I a tool.

New shop dullness

Leamington Courier: Shop moves to larger premises

Ably assisted by someone in a one-piece jumpsuit

Spotter's Badge: Rob R

Casino dullness

Essex Echo: Casino celebrates 2nd anniversary of refurbishment

"On Sunday, the Boogie Belles perform classics from the Andrew Sisters to Beyonce."

Thrilling.