Pie dullness

Stourbridge News: Pub wants its punters to design a new pie

I know pies, and that is NOT a pie.

Spotter's Badge: Tim

Smoking tea towel dullness

Salisbury Journal: Firefighters called to smoking tea towel

And like so many of these emergencies these days, it was only vaping

Lancaster Guardian: Cheese on toast mishap

Students.

Spotter's Badge: Andy

Pizza SHUT dullness (See what I did there)

Nottingham Post: Pizza Hut delivery shop temporarily closed

Because they realised it's based in somebody's front room

Spotter's Badge: Denna

 Get Reading: Bank which is normally closed for the weekend is closed for the weekend

Live updates promised and everything.

Girl not missing dullness

Hull Daily Mail: 'Missing' girl found hiding in her duvet

Well done everybody.

Football stickers dullness

Nottingham Post: Where can I get Panini Euro 2016 stickers

Shops. You can get them in shops.

Spotter's Badge: Jon S

Hamster's dead dog tenuous local angle

Gloucestershire Echo: Celebrity who used to live in Gloucestershire's dog dies

Poor Hamster. Desperate Echo.

Shed theft dullness (although your definition of dullness may vary)

Saffron Walden Reporter: Thieves swap tools in shed for old and broken ones

That's their story, and they're sticking to it.

And meanwhile...

The Wokingham Paper: Chainsaw and vegetables stolen from unlocked garage

Police are on the look-out for a maniac who has had his five-a-day.

Spotter's Badge: Jon, Angela

Extremely tenuous link to Grimsby Town Football Club dullness

Grimsby Telegraph: Is Countdown's Rachel Riley a Mariners fan?

No. No she isn't.

Spotter's Badge: L0wey

Trapped cat dullness

Worcester News: Crews from three stations called out to rescue cat

Happy ending! It's still there.

Spotter's Badge: Tim

Peter Andre dullness, again

Bristol Post: Pete spotted in a shop

Where are his kids? Does he no longer love them?*

*This is a lie. Pete loves his kids.

Really exciting news if you're an accountant from Great Yarmouth dullness

Great Yarmouth Mercury: Great Yarmouth accountancy firm moves to new offices

And like every other building in Great Yarmouth, it's a bungalow

Spotter's Badge: Dave

Parrot dullness

Eastern Daily Press: Parrot on the loose in Norfolk

Beautiful plumage

Spotter's Badge: Dave

I can't even selfie dullness

Hull Daily Mail: Man invents 'Barry Barrier' to get people used to city centre works through the medium of the novelty selfie

Stop it. Stop it now.

Spotter's Badge: Emma

Photographic dullness

Malvern Gazette: Man spotted taking photos near a house

The war against estate agents: It continues.

Spotter's Badge: Adele

Bank closed for the weekend dullness

Bournemouth Echo: Christchurch branch of Barclays Bank, which is usually closed at weekends, is closed this weekend for essential maintenance

So, that's doubled closed. Sucks to live in Christchurch and bank with Barclays, then.

Crap Poems in Local Newspapers: The Gherkin

A new thing!

People have a habit of sending poems into local newspapers, and the act of getting published only goes to encourage them further. Here, we collate their work.

The Northern Echo: The Gherkin

One man's revelation that pickled cucumbers can be quite pleasant.

Spotter's Badge: Yvonne

Come Dine With Me dullness

Get Surrey: Some people who were once on Come Dine With Me go for a curry

Aaaaaand that's it.

Big Mac Dullness

South Wales Evening Post: Reporter live blogs his lunch

Just wait until they hear about this thing called a "Toby Carvery"

Spotter's Badge: Nick

Cloud that doesn't look much like a dinosaur or an elephant dullness

Bexley News Shopper: Does this cloud look like an elephant?

I turned it through 180 degrees, and I'm getting "flaccid penis"

Spotter's Badge: Neil

University careers day dullness

Northampton Chronicle: YouTube celebrity talks to college careers event

If it's not Peter Andre, we're not interested

 Spotter's Badge: Mike

Jeremy Corbyn dullness

Western Daily Press: Jeremy Corbyn goes on holiday to Exmouth, has lemon cake

THE BASTARD.

Rock in sack of potatoes dullness

The West Briton: Mum finds rock in her sack of potatoes

We're not going to post any spoilers, but there is a two-part picture gallery for this story. One is of a sack of potaotes (as seen above). Guess what the second picture is.

Spotter's Badge: Mike

Bible reading dullness

NW Evening Mail: Bible reading event happens

I might suggest a Fiesta Letters Page reading event. The attendance would be far better.

Spotter's Badge: Chris

Cake dullness

Northumberland Gazette: It's 1991, and who are these ladies with their cakes?

A crime against hair going on in the back row.

Spotter's Badge: Alma

Cinema screen dullness

Shetland News: Smaller of two cinema screens out of action

Click through to see some adverts. About 75% adverts. All the adverts.

Spotter's Badge: Kenn

Pigswill dullness

Leamington Courier: M40 closed due to swill spillage

Fresh delivery for the service station, then

Spotter's Badge: Rob R

Dull poetry in local newspapers

Barry and District News: Man sends in poem about Barry Island

Click through. It's awful.

Spotter's Badge: Yvonne

Hedge fire dullness

North Norfolk News: Firefighters spend 13 minutes putting out fire on Sheringham's Curtis Lane after it was reported shortly after 11.30am on Tuesday

Click through if you like, but that's the whole story.

No. I insist. Click through. A journalist's job may depend on that click.

Spotter's Badge: Dave

A bit of classic dullness

Eastern Daily Press: Police appeal for lost birthday card owner to come forward

Dundalk Democrat: Kenny gets his jumper back after leaving it in a cafe

Both from Mumsnet, who recently had a classic local dull news thread.

Nightclub's important announcement turns out to be dull dullness

Coventry Telegraph: Pet goldfish dies

Hats off to the little fella.

Spotter's Badge: Rob R

Golden arches dullness

Exeter Express and Echo: An exhaustive list of opening hours for McDonald's branches in Exeter over the Easter holidays

Jesus

Reality TV dullness

Get Reading: Somebody out of Made in Chelsea goes shopping

Well, colour me surprised.